Word of the day to my exes :
Alin : Do you respect yourself?
...Alin maybe a sneaky, asshole prick, but my routine of stalking him made me realize something the universe or god has been trying to tell me - IM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE A DUDE!
It all started when I was a wee girl, I was treated violently and cruelly by my father. He despised my femininity and so he punished it EVERYDAY! Gradually I understood that I would be spared if I acted less and less feminine and more masculine. Doing this female equivalent of male emasculation makes insecure and less-than men feel more secure in their fragile masculinity(until the next trigger comes up).
And then I became a pick-me, where I fake stoicism and nonchalance upon not being treated like a girl, because i wasn't like other girls! I wanted to be validated and given attention and I knew what my insecure care-taker despised. Oh, but of course, at the same time, he was rewarding the femininity of other girls. This was simply his way of him killing my biology and hence me.
Then I met this ancap, 16 years older than me and who hated women and femininity. I became his little pet in hopes of being picked. I would make it a point to criticise normal female traits, mainly them being attracted to sweet, romantic gestures, shiny, new gifts, being financially provided for and wanting to show off their physical beauty. This was done to appease his ego because he wasn't secure in himself & we had yet a long way to go. The mentioned traits in a girl would make him distrustful of her staying with him because he couldn't fulfill her needs..which made him act aggressively. Just like I calmed my dad's temper, I calmed his by getting rid of my biological needs. That's been my latest relationship :)
🌸 ex count = 2 🌸
I drop this internalised misogyny now, because I'm safe enough to do so :)
I wake up every morning without fears of an aggressive male fumimg over something that I did to trigger him. A few nights, weeks, months, years of no sudden aggression or punishment for merely existing, and my PTSD is starting to heal.
Ugh i cant even hate my exes, I feel so grateful for the lessons.
I hope the next guy I date has all the good traits of my exes ngl. They feel like brothers ughhh.